Reminiscing while celebrating fifty years of vowed life
Sr Christine Hesel SSpS
Familiar sounds and sights of my city of birth Hamburg, Germany where large passenger ships from around the world announced their arrival by playing their National Anthems over loud-speakers. This multicultural, exciting city was placed in chaos by fear-inspiring inspiriting sirens, by war and total destruction, shortly after I turned four years of age. My protected, carefree life suddenly came to an end.
During the years of my childhood many lessons shaped my life. Loss, insecurity, and Loss, insecurity, and deprivation were counteracted by my parents’ selflessness, generosity, and hospitality, often creating ‘miracles’’ out of the most basic necessities of life. I learnt to be grateful for small things. Contentment and happiness were the gifts of my family to me. As a teenager, with big dreams of becoming a fashion designer, my first love experiences, and a good deal of independence, my motto ‘live life to the fullest’ was taken seriously by me.
Purposefully ignored for some years, another voice was urging strong and stronger: to share
God’s dream and love with others a call to become a missionary. In 1958 I finally surrendered to God’s invitation and entered the Mission Congregation, Servants of the Holy Spirit in Steyl, Holland.
The transition to a totally different life style did not happen without pain and tears. Only with determination and with my goal firmly in mind, did I have the strength to deal with the monastic life style, and the lack of appreciation of being human. Rules and regulations, and a narrow understanding of human relationships, of vows and of growth may have been a haven of security for some, but for others it was a puzzle with many pieces missing.
Inside me a nagging question grew louder and more urgent: “What was the spiritual substance that would sustain my vocation within the walls that surrounded me, isolating me from all I loved?”
Vatican 2 ushered in a period of experimentation and adaptation for all religious. For me it was like a breath of fresh air, allowing hope and courage to emerge. In 1967, as a professed sister, I was missioned to Australia, which was far from my mission dream to go to India to serve the poor. However, after completing my studies, my role as a teacher and principal and later as a pastoral associate brought fulfilment and a sense of contribution to God’s kingdom.
Living in a small community, open to allow enough freedom to develop my own identity as a person and a Living in a small community, open to allow enough freedom to develop my own identity as a person and a religious, and deeply immersed in ministry, I became happy and contented and this created plenty of energy and laughter. Through my close contact with people and the culture I was embedded in, I found that I needed to re-define my understanding of religious life and of mission. Where was the meaning and necessity for
religious life in a world of lay vocations that emphasized our common baptismal call to mission? No longer were we as Religious seen as a “cheap workforce”. But the slogan of “being with “was not enough.
A new quest began. Encouraged by many learning opportunities, an ongoing process of seeing differently began. With a full work load and many responsibilities, valuable lessons were learnt in moments of prayer and reflection. The cocoon inside me was ready to burst open, to gift me with new insights and meaning, and this dared me to risk. The power and energy was released that enabled me to become more and more the person and the SSpS I felt called to be. Our Congregation challenged us to witness to the feminine face of God, to stand for justice and reckless love, to life-giving relationships, and to unlimited listening to the multicultural demands of our times.
Guilt feelings and a lack of inner freedom were for a long time part of this journey and hampered the risks necessary for new discoveries. Experiencing my own vulnerability and a certain lost-ness, eventually revealed to me the pieces of the puzzle, missing for so long. Accepting my own vulnerability I found deeper connections with others. On “Holy Ground” and in painful moments we shared our lives and common bonds Today in hind-sight, I dare to say that my many choices , right or wrong, have helped to form my wholehearted commitment to being what I most want to be – an SSpS who is truly human, gifted by my Congregation through its spirituality and its challenges to become more and more what all of us proclaim to be. Today, in my semi-retirement, I have no intention to die prematurely, but to live life to the fullest until the end.